Have you ever really stopped to think about Santa Claus? Upon further review, I think you may think twice next time you decide to take your child to sit on his representitives lap in the local mall. In order to bring to light some new perspectives on the jolly old fat guy, I am going to examine some of the aspects of who this man really is.
History tells us that the “Jolly Old Saint Nick” was born in the Netherlands under the name “Sinterklaas”. Sinterklaas was well known in the Dutch community for sneaking out at night and putting “gifts” in little children’s shoes. Disgusting.
Afraid that his juvenile foot fetish would lead to more serious child crimes, a warrant was issued for his arrest. Sinterklaas soon fled the country with his wife and headed north and changed his name to “Santa Claus” in order to evade capture from Dutch Authorities.
Once Santa Claus was out of the country, he made his way to the North Pole. It was there that he came to realize that he could become supreme ruler of that uninhabited land. The problem was that he had no one to rule over. He had heard rumor of the African slave trade that was occuring in the America’s, so he sent word to the Governor of South Carolina that he was interested in purchasing as many African slaves as he could in order to build his snowy white northern empire.
Word returned to him that African slaves would not be able perform well in a cold climate, but that he had a shipment of white midgets coming in from Greenland that he had no use for in the southern United States. Santa’s growing need for slave labor combined with his fascination with children led to his decision to move forward with this transaction, so he sent payment for them using funds he had gained from mastering the crime of burglary in Holland as a young man; a skill that he would soon be ressurecting.
A few weeks later, his shipment of midgets arrived and he put them right to work building mansions, barns, reindeer stables and factories. Over time, Santa bred the midget slaves to be smaller and smaller but more and more efficient in their manufacturing work. This required Santa to provide less food, water and other resources to maintain his labor poole.
In 1798 there was a brief elfan uprising after one of their more vocal leaders named “Abraelf Linkin” tried to issue an “Elfipasion Proclamation”, but it was soon crushed by Santa’s reindeer security forces led by Blitzen. (This is where the Nazi term “Blitzkrieg” comes from). Santa continues to utilize midget slave labor to this day, but the politically correct term for them is “elf”, not “midget” which is considered offensive.
What many people do not know about Santa Claus is that he is a staunch Atheist. He hates organized religion, but mainly Christianity. He thinks the idea of a virgin birth, the dead rising, turning water to wine, and healing the sick with no medicine is a bunch of poppy cock. So, in 1802 he decided that it was time to force his Atheistic views on the world and began to formulate a plan to systematically remove the idea of a virgin birth of God from the Christian Holiday. He formulated a plan to get people to redirect their focus from Christ’s birth and the idea of helping and giving to others, to focusing on him and his Atheistic ideals.
He would do this by forcing his elves to make toys 24 hours a day 364 days a year. He would then take those toys and break into the homes of middle class to wealthy families all around the world and place them under their Christmas tree, using the skills he learned as a young burgler in Holland. This has a two pronged effect.
First, it would create a sense of entitlement and greed among privileged children at a young age. Children whom he knew were more likely to grow up and become influential business people and CEO’s. Second, it would help to widen the gap between the rich and poor, which he knows would eventually lead to a global economic collapse. Essentially, Santa Claus is solely responsible for the economic collapse of 2009.
He chose not to deliver toys to underprivileged children because he believed that they would never amount to anything and are incapable of perpetuating his plan for global domination and Atheist utopia. This is why we have the “Christmas Angel” program and other charities that do their best to make poor kids think that Santa gives a shit about them.
Santa has also been using psychological warfare against children for hundreds of years. Because of the widely believed and parentally perpetuated myth that he always “knows when you are naughty or nice”, he mind fucked generations of innocent children and caused many to require therapy for paranoia later in life. He has also managed to get children all around the world to suppress their feelings and bottle up their emotions by proclaiming that they “better not shout, better not cry, and better not pout” because he was “coming to town”. It is out of respect for Santa’s ability to constantly threaten people that the infamous Los Angeles based “Bloods” gang chose to wear red colored jackets and hats.
As time has passed, Santa Claus has grown in popularity and has pretty much eclipsed Jesus Christ in status, especially among Americans and Europeans. Because of this, he had to step up production of his products. Eventually he required more power to run his manufacturing plants, so he established North Pole Nuclear Power (NPNP) Eliminating his need for coal power. (This is why he never puts coal in kids stockings anymore). However, in 1997 there was a major radiation leak at NPNP. He did a very good job at covering it up, but was unable to keep the northern glaciers from melting more and more each year. The effects of his nuclear spill at the north pole is what has set global warming into motion.
So let’s recap.
Sinterklaas, AKA “Santa Claus” is a fugitive from the Netherlands who changed his name and established himself in the north pole.
He is a wealthy white slave owner who was able to achieve supreme dictatorhip with his wife at his side, creating an empire supported by elfs descended from Greenlandish midgets.
He leaves his country one night a year with the intent to burglarize every single home in the world. Once inside each home, he takes their food and leaves behind “gifts” for children of middle class to wealthy status with the intent of widening the gap between the rich and the poor in order to cause the breakdown of the global economic structure.
An staunch Atheist, Santa Claus has managed to do what Richard Dawkins has not been able to do – he has slowly and systematically removed Christianity from Christmas and turned the holiday from one of giving to one of receiving, causing the Enron scandal and the economic crash of 2009.
So why has Santa Claus lived for so many centruries? Well, like they say…only the GOOD die young.