10 Tips for Mr. Obama from Tiger Woods…

Posted on December 28, 2009

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Sometimes blog material just presents itself. In this case, it came to me in the form of the front page of this month’s Golf Digest.

gd201001_cover

Tip #1 – When profiled on the front page of a  major magazine, ensure that you are positioned in such a way that is a bit more flattering for the most powerful man in the free world. I mean really Mr. Obama, it looks like I am about to sink a hole in one here. Next thing you know, you will be bowing before a Saudi Arabian king or something…

Tip #2 – When “Sexting” with your mistresses, erase the messages immediately. Because if Michelle finds them, you must be able to keep your wits about you when fleeing from the White House at 2AM. Your night driving skills must be extremely proficient and skillful in order to avoid trees and such.

Tip #3 – When you are done with your Presidency and able to endorse products and services for millions of dollars, make sure to get paid in advance and sign a binding contract – just in case you accidentally slip and fall into 14 hot woman and smear your reputation. Endorsements tend to cease after that.

Tip #4 – If you want to be re-elected, don’t get caught cheating. When I did it, the US PGA Tour had attendance cut by 50 percent. That equates to votes for you buddy. Just ask Bill Clinton.

Tip #5 – When you DO text message your girlfriends, use industry related double entendre’s. For example, next time I would use something like “Hello, tonight I would like to put my three wood in your back nine then come over the top while, keeping my balls in play with your baseball grip“.  That sort of thing. You can hide your indiscretions by saying something like, “If you blow back my caucus I will use my executive branch to filibuster and bring you to Climategate” It’s all about plausible denyability.

Tip #6 - Make sure your Universal Health Coverage plan has been implemented before you have an affair. Because if Michelle finds out and comes at you with a golf club late one night as you flee from the White House,  you just may need it sooner than you think.

Tip #7 -Don’t be so obvious about not living up to your promises. I vowed not to cheat on my wife, you vowed to bring home the troops. At least I kept my broken promise well hidden for a long time!

Tip #8 – When I won the Masters for the first time, I worked hard and legitimately won the prize. I just happened to be the first African American to do so. You just happen to be the first African American to win the Presidency. Congratulations! Just remember not to accept any major awards, say like a Nobel Peace Prize or something,  before working hard and doing something to earn it. It’s just bad form. Oh wait…

Tip #9 – If you are a “Sex Addict”, you already know it. Just admit you have a problem and deal with it in a healthy manner by joining a 12 step program that will allow you to learn how to properly meet your personal intimacy needs. Or just give Secret Service the night off, download a lot of porn, lock the door, and well…I’ll stop there.

Tip #10 – If you insist on cheating on Michelle, make sure to do so with women that are hot enough to be worth losing your family, reputation, and wealth over. For example, here are the woman I risked those things with:

hotties

Don’t make the same mistake ESPN’s Steve Phillips did…


brooke-hudley-steve-phillips

And those are my 10 tips for you Mr. Obama

-Tiger Woods

Posted in: Funny Stuff