A phone conversation with Human Resources

Posted on December 14, 2009

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Click

ip_phone_7961gBeep, Beep, Boop, Boop, Beep, Boop, Beep

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Yes, hello, is this human resources?

Ah, wonderful.  I am a new supervisor and have a few questions about how to handle some various situations. I was wondering if you could help me?

Great! Thank you. I have run into some situations, and I need to make sure that I handled them appropriately and according to policy.

Well, I have several. The first one I wanted to run by you has to do with conflict resolution. Basically I had two employees who were really fucking pissed at each other about…

Oh sorry.

They were pissed at each other because one was fucking the other one’s boyfriend.

I’m sorry, “Sleeping with” the other one’s boyfriend…so I had the boyfriend come down to the office and brought both employees into a small room. Then I locked all three of them  in the room together so they could have some open, interpersonal communication time with one another about the situation….

Huh?

I shouldn’t have done that?

Mmm Hmm.

I see.

Well no that’s not everything. I also told the boyfriend that the girl he was cheating with had syphilis.

Really?

Oh.

Well she DOES have syphilis.

Because I read her employee file, nasty case of it too.

What is a “hippo law”?

Hippa?

Oh. Well I didn’t know that.

So does that mean I shouldn’t have taken up a collection for one of my other employees who has merza?

Oh, Sorry…M-R-S-A. I see.

Well all I did was bring each person to his desk he sits in all day, and using his favorite pen I had everyone write on a little get well note in a card to accompany the $1000 gift card I got him to Dillards for new clothes, because his current ones are clearly contaminated with his nasty disease.

With company funds silly.  I even titled the card, “Get better soon Bob, because we all Mersa here at work“!

Contagious?

Decontaminate his work station?

Oh.

Ok, you need to explain what the hell a “Hippo law”..

“Hippa law”, excuse me, is.

Ohhhhhhhh…..I understand now. Mmmm Hmmm.

Privacy laws… Ok.

Well what about people’s birthdays?

Well, for instance, I have this really hot 22 year old blond employee whose birthday was last week. So, I got her a very expensive set of lingerie and a chocolate covered banana.

Why?

Oh, well a couple of weeks ago she asked me how I thought she could get promoted and I had heard a couple of the hiring managers say that they would love to see her sucking on a banana wearing next to nothing. So, I just thought it would be the perfect birthday…

What’s that?

Uh huh.

Well their names were Bill Smith and Roy Jones. Why?

Oh, well your welcome!

Well when she opened it she gave me a funny look. Then I told her why I got it for her, and then she was REALLY surprised. So much so, that she went right to her desk and started typing a “Thank You” E-card to me. For some reason I still haven’t got it.

That wasn’t an E-card?

E-mail?

To you?

Sexual harassment?

Oh, well I didn’t know that I….

Mmmm Hmmm…

Training? I see. Well I just gave my employees diversity training.

Oh, for me? Well I guess that would be fine.

What training did I give on diversity?

Well, I thought it would fun and interactive if I brought everyone into the conference room and play a little game.

I put together a matching activity, just like in school. For instance, on one side of the white board I…

Huh?

Oh, that’s insensitive?

Well what should I call it then?

Ok fine. On one side of the DRY ERASE board I placed pictures of different colored people that I downloaded from Google images.

Whats that?

Well my pictures WERE of different colored people!

Ok fine. Different “ethnicities and racial groups”..whatever.

Then on the other side I put a brief comment that described each ethnicity….

……

…..

Hello? Are you there?

…..

Oh, I thought I lost you there for a second. Well as I was saying, I put a comment on the DRY ERASE board such as “has huge penis and prefers fried chicken” or “has tiny penis but is really good at math and can’t drive”. My favorite one was “Cheap even though they run Hollywood with circumcised penis’s”.

But I didn’t stop there, because I know the importance of recognizing diversity beyond colors, excuse me, “ethnic background”.

Well for instance, I used comments such as, “Homophobic bible thumper” and “Well dressed rainbow fairy” and “Nazi’s” and “Normal People”. Then each employee had to match the comment with the picture of the people.

What’s that?

Oh, “Normal People” , you know, like me and you.

I’m sorry?

Well what are you?

Oh, well you sound like a white guy.

Your a Indian woman?

Ohhh, sorry about that I had no idea on account of your voice being so low. You sound nothing like the guy at 7-11.

Well how the hell am I supposed to teach my employees to recognize the diverse nature of our office?

Your sending someone down here?

Oh, well that’s fine I guess. I’ll have my staff waiting in the training room for you.

Mmm Hmm.

Well typically I put all the black people in the back of the room with the whites up front.

Whats that?

Because silly, everyone knows white people can’t hear as well as black people. That’s why I sit them up front and the black ones in back.

Because, my wife tells me I’m hard of hearing all the time, THAT’S how I know. And I am white, so put two and two together, DUH!

Well I’m ONLY trying to make sure everyone can hear the training YOU are going to provide us.

Well, when you get here just go through the front doors, up the elevator to the second floor. When you pass the Christmas tree take a…

What?

A Holiday tree?

What the fuck is a “holiday tree”?

Sorry, “holiday tree”?

Religious sensitivity?

Yes, that’s all we have displayed here, just a “Holiday Tree”. Why?

A menorah? You mean that Jew candle stick thing?

Well no.

Ok, I’ll put one up, but am I allowed to call it a Menorah?

I am?

Now wait a minute. Why can’t I call Christmas tree a “Christmas tree” but I can call a Menorah a “Menorah”? Shouldn’t I have to call it a Holiday Candle Stick?

Oh I see.

Different how?

Mmm Hmmm.

Well, if that’s what I’m supposed to do then I’ll do it I suppose.

Does that mean I have to put up Qooanza stuff that Tyrone asked for?

Oh, I’m sorry… K-W-A-N-Z-A-A, got it.

Kinera candles?

Well Ok, but I’m making everyone call them “Holiday Candles”. Wait, the Jews have “Holiday Candles”. I will have everyone call them “Black Person Holiday Candles”. Is that Ok?

It’s not?

Ugh, this is making me tense. Hold on a sec…

TIFFANY!

Yes, can you come into my office for a second?

Hi Tiff, can you just give me one of your famous topless rub downs on my shoulders, neck, back and upper thigh’s you always give me when I’m feeling stressed? Thanks sweetie.

Sorry about that, are you still there?

Hello?

Hello?

Hmmm. I guess she hung up.

Posted in: Funny Stuff