Little Tommy and the Demented Orphan Annie

Posted on October 13, 2009

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Halloween.

A predominantly Pagan “Holiday” that has several origins that no one can seem to fully agree on. The one day of the year that both children and adults with a child’s heart can pretend to be someone or something else for a few hours. An escape from school, chores, mortgage’s and economic disasters.

The one night we are allowed to unplug ourselves from our T.V’s and internet connections in order to meet our neighbors face to face rather than through theĀ  voiceless electronic artificial world of Facebook.

A few of us dress up, most of us don’t. One spouse takes the kids out while the other stays home to pass out copious amounts of kiddie crack to shy little children dressed in elaborate costumes and bold teenagers in really bad one’s that were thrown together at the last minute in an attempt to justify their request for a free handout. Some folks even decorate their homes for kids, family, and friends to enjoy.

Recently, I went into one of those Halloween stores that pop up every September in buildings that are typically abandoned throughout the rest of the year. The purpose of my visit was to look for additional pirate related bling to add to my ever changing Halloween alter-ego known as “Red-Beard the Pot-Bellied Pirate”.

Unfortunately, I just can’t pull off Indiana Jones.

As I entered the store I found myself surrounded by an array of assorted Halloween related junk. Very little of which was going to help me transform into “Red Beard the PBP”. However, I was able to get a glimpse of how far Halloween junk maker’s have taken their craft.

I mean damn, they have really gone to a whole new level of twisted and evil.

Imagine for a moment the look on a young Tommy’s face as he approaches your home for a sweet treat, already scared shitless at the idea of having to say “Trick or Treat” to a complete stranger, and he comes upon this:

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Tommy will shit himself and beg mommy to become a Johova’s Witness.

I mean really? Are things as evil as this really necessary to create a successful Halloween experience?

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EVIL BABY JUDGES YOU!!!!!

Who actually buys this stuff and keeps it stored in their home collecting bad JuJu all year long?

Did you ever notice how we go from Halloween Decorations such as this:

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To decorations such as this:

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in a matter of a few days every year?

Is it our human need for divine forgiveness for the wickedly vile and evil stuff we displayed to children on October 31st?

Halloween is supposed to be for kids. Fun, and scary to a degree…but when you decide to put up Demented Little Orphan Annie here, you are just gonna end up pissing off a whole lotta parents…

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Really? Are you kidding with this?

Is this stuff really OK? Even if its just for an adult’s only party – I don’t want to be drinking and perusing with that little shit staring into my soul all night. I just don’t!

I’m mean it really does go from one extreme to the next. In one corner you have some seriously depraved stuff that will cause a month’s worth of nightmare’s for poor Tommy, and in the next, you offer his tiny virgin body up for a “quickie” with theĀ  “Anorexic Anne” here…

“COME HERE LITTLE BOOOYYYY…..I’M SHOWING YOU MY BONE NOW SHOW ME YOURS!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

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Brrrrrrruuuugh. Creepy shit.

To be fair to Anorexic Anne, I guess the same could be said for the guy in this costume though too…

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It’s no wonder Halloween has been taken out of the schools. It’s no wonder the hard core religious right have disallowed their children to experience the fun of Halloween.

Take it down a few notches people, it doesn’t have to be so grotesquely over the top.

In the end, it’s really about having fun with your kids and meeting your neighbors. Let’s keep it in perspective.

Posted in: Funny Stuff