The 40 Something Suburbanite

January 3, 2014

2

Providence has granted me 40 years of life this day.  An entire life in a blink of an eye, gone forever, cast into the ether of scattered memory. Have I used this brief time on earth wisely? Have I been virtuous? Has my life meant something to this world and those in it? Could I […]

Posted in: Life

Technology: Killing Future Memories One Advancement at a Time

January 11, 2013

6

It has recently occurred to me that one year from now I will no longer be able to get away with maintaining a blog title entitled, “Ramblings of a 30 Something Suburbanite” One year from now, part of the title will reluctantly be changed to “40 something”. Before you know it, I will be shaking my […]

Posted in: Life

Joseph, Jace, and a Story of Self-Actualization

November 15, 2011

5

Anyone who is close to me or has inquired about my stance on the matter of God and organized religion knows where I stand. Those of you who do not know can suffer through my ramblings on the matter here: http://bigjaymartin.wordpress.com/category/religion-and-the-universe/ Suffice to say, organized religion and its cast of characters often times creeps back into […]

Posted in: Life

Forgiving the Music Man

May 19, 2011

2

Forgiving the Music Man A vision of me in a mystical state Midday of passion, an unconscious mistake Youth defies love’s lasting embrace An altered state of mind soon took her place A desperate flight from angels to the satellite in the sky I wonder if he cared, I wonder if she cried Imagination filled […]

Posted in: Poetry

Dear City of Phoenix…

May 14, 2011

4

Dear City of Phoenix, Many times during my work week  people ask me how I am doing. My usual response to them is that “I am happy to be here and proud to serve”. They typically laugh a little at  what they percieve to be mere sarcasm. What they don’t really understand, is that I am being […]

Posted in: Life

An Ode to Saturday Morning Cartoons

March 8, 2011

9

A few weeks ago I overheard a group of employees reminiscing about the ancient television phenomenon known as “saturday morning cartoons” as I sauntered through the radio room. Their conversation brought me back to my own childhood, growing up in Colorado Springs, Colorado. A full nights slumber is disturbed by the cooing sounds of some […]

Posted in: Life

Why are you thanking me?

November 11, 2010

4

Today started for me about two weeks ago when my boss informed me that he needed volunteers to take the upcoming holidays off in an attempt to save the city money in these tough times. Veterans day? Sure, why not. Due to some other circumstances it would allow me to have a five day weekend. […]

Posted in: Life

Hill #1982

October 20, 2010

2

Vietnam, 1968 The putrid smell of stagnant water entered my nostrils as I grasped tightly onto my plastic AK-47 assault rifle. The sun beating down on me from above was causing drips of sweat to bead up and gently stream out from underneath my plastic helmet that was there to protect me from a well placed Viet […]

Posted in: Life

Feminism, Hippies, & Lost Mojo: A Search for Modern Manhood

September 14, 2010

4

I would like to preface this blog by stating up front that I fully expect to offend some people. And even though this is not my intention, I think that the content of this blog makes this an inevitable fact. So, I begin with an apology to those who may become offended at what you […]

Testicles, Ellis Island, and the Little Hill that Mocks Us

August 10, 2010

3

mountains

There is an old saying that states “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side”. Because I have no life, I often sit and ponder what actions I would have taken as an American citizen living in New England during the mid 1800′s. Westward expansion was occurring at an astonishing rate. As my friends and neighbors […]

Posted in: Life

The “Incredible” Swiss Army Phone

July 28, 2010

1

THINGS I HAVE USED MY  DROID “INCREDIBLE” PHONE FOR IN THE LAST WEEK OR SO: 1. A calculator to determine how much money I need to save in order to upgrade my wife’s wedding ring diamond 2. A compass to help me determine north from south when I took a wrong turn driving to Harrah’s […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Lady Ga Ga and Traffic Cops

July 26, 2010

2

So there you are, driving down the street hoping nobody catches you rocking out to the latest song from Lady Ga Ga. Suddenly you realize you are being followed by a very official looking law man on a motorcycle that has flashing red and blue lights mounted on the front of it. You pull over. […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Google YouTube To See a Tweet about a JPEG of an IPHONE.

May 10, 2010

1

Have you ever been sitting in front of the T.V. or over hear a conversation between people in real life using modern terminology that would make a person living in 1984 look at you like you’re from another planet or a Trekky or something? Just last night I was watching my favorite late night talk […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

The Joy of Camping

March 26, 2010

2

Jason. Yes my love. Let’s go camping this summer. Fuck. Here we  go again. The joy that is camping. The adventure begins a few days before hand with the planning of the meals, the purchasing of the essential hot dogs, steaks, chicken, bread, paper plates, forks, spoons, knives, eggs, sausage, bacon, cereal, milk, potatoes,  chips, […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

A Life Unfurled

February 7, 2010

5

Come Papa’s girl take a seat right there Your life is soon changing so you must be prepared Live your life free And find your own style Don’t rush into marriage Go play for awhile Experience the world See all that you can A secluded warm beach Your feet in the sand Live life simply But […]

Posted in: Poetry

Admirals, Samurai's and Umbrella's of Honor

January 22, 2010

4

Honor. It is a funny thing that I often wonder about. It is difficult to define, but somehow you know it when you see it… When two boxers are done bashing one another, they embrace one another. Two football players on opposite teams help each other up after a play. These things tend to leave […]

Posted in: Life

It takes time to write these things…

January 17, 2010

1

Stay tuned…

Posted in: Funny Stuff

See Umar Fly. See Janet Fall.

January 10, 2010

2

On Christmas day a young mis-guided douchebag named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab experienced a small explosion in his underwear. No, he didn’t consume too much Indian Food that day. Rather, he decided he was going to stick explosive material down his tighty whitey’s and attempt to blow up a plane over Detroit Michigan. A plane that […]

And so you smoke…

January 7, 2010

2

Those closest to me and those who peer upon my tiny avatar, know that I love cigars. There is just something inherently magnificent about smoking a good cigar. It is not politically correct, it is not healthy, it is too expensive, it is time consuming… …it is simply magnificent. I think cigar smoking and guns […]

Posted in: Life

10 Tips for Mr. Obama from Tiger Woods…

December 28, 2009

1

Sometimes blog material just presents itself. In this case, it came to me in the form of the front page of this month’s Golf Digest. Tip #1 – When profiled on the front page of a  major magazine, ensure that you are positioned in such a way that is a bit more flattering for the […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Finding the Meaning of Christmas the Hard Way

December 25, 2009

4

I have officially experienced 35 Christmas’s in my lifetime. Some of the early one’s were spent with a true belief in Santa Claus and all of the magic that comes along with him. Some of them were spent as an older boy, trying to keep Santa’s secret safe from the imaginations of my younger brothers. […]

Posted in: Life

Santa, Slavery, and Centuries of Terror

December 24, 2009

2

Have you ever really stopped to think about Santa Claus? Upon further review, I think you may think twice next time you decide to take your child to sit on his representitives lap in the local mall.  In order to bring to light some new perspectives on the jolly old fat guy, I am going to examine some of […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

The Twelve Days of Christmas: 9-1-1 Style

December 16, 2009

5

The following is to be sung out loud to the tune of  “The Twelve Days of Christmas“, starting with the twelfth day. It is my personal twist on this age old classic, but with the words changed to reflect what a typical Christmas day is like for the average 9-1-1 Dispatcher. Ahem.. “On the Twelfth […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

A phone conversation with Human Resources

December 14, 2009

1

Click Beep, Beep, Boop, Boop, Beep, Boop, Beep Ring. Ring. Ring. Yes, hello, is this human resources? Ah, wonderful.  I am a new supervisor and have a few questions about how to handle some various situations. I was wondering if you could help me? Great! Thank you. I have run into some situations, and I […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

The founding of Phoenix Arizona

December 12, 2009

3

Northern Virginia, 1848 “John” “Yes, my love” “I yearn for a life out west. Many of our friends and neighbors are packing up their belongings and moving to Californy” “Yes dear, I have read much about that in the newspapers” “John, won’t you take us there”? “Oh, alright then. Pack up yoa things and we […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

A Poem: The History of Thanksgiving

November 25, 2009

2

The Pilgrims sailed upon the Mayflower They had no engines but lots of wind power 9 weeks they sailed over ocean blue All of them Puritans, Not even a Jew They arrived in winter inside of Cape Cod but later moved south to worship their God Plymouth was founded a settlement was created But the […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff, Poetry

How to get around in Phoenix

November 23, 2009

2

The following is a brief explanation of the various freeway systems that can be found when driving around in the Phoenix Metropolitan area. This in intended for any visitor from out of town, truck driver, or newly licensed adolescent driver trying to find their way about town. The first thing to keep in mind is […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

90210 and Solving World Hunger

November 18, 2009

2

A good friend once asked if I was offered a good steak dinner or a romp in the hay with my wife, what would I choose. Much to the relief of my wife, I picked the steak dinner. Any person who meets me for the first time can easily deduce that I am a man […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Why do we Myfacetwittbookspace?

November 17, 2009

6

What is our human fascination with these social networking sites? According to a Pew Research Center poll, 22% of Americans use social networking sites such as these.  They break down the stats by saying that: 67% of users are age18-29, 21% of users are 30-39, and 6% of users are 40+ And yes, I will […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Do overs and possibilities

November 13, 2009

7

I often wonder what it would be like to get a “do over” in life. Don’t lie, you have thought of it many times also. Many people, especially moms and dads, often respond by saying something like, “I would not change a thing, because that means I wouldn’t have my son Timmy and daughter Petunia“ […]

Posted in: Life

The day Lucky died

November 9, 2009

2

When I finished my service in the US Navy in 1996, I moved to Arizona where my parents and wife were located. I had only been here for about 4 days when my wife left me for another man she had met while I was deployed. Needless to say, I was a bit lonely and […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

A couples retreat to a greasy floored sales pitch

November 4, 2009

1

“Jason”. “Yes my love”. “Take me to a movie”. “Ok princess, what would you like to see?  I would like to see Paranormal Activity or Couples Retreat”. “I heard Paranormal Activity was stupid, let’s see Couples Retreat”. Shit. Now she is going to get some ideas about needing to nourish our relationship or some damn […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Billboards and Ass Clowns

November 1, 2009

2

Ass Clown: 1. One whose stupidity and/or ineptitude exceeds the descriptive potential of both the terms ass and clown in isolation, and in so doing demands to be referred to as the conjugate of the two. 2. A person who by ignorance or stupidity takes up unnecessary amounts of your time. -Urbandictionary.com Billboards. These oversized […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Fire down below

October 28, 2009

7

1993, somewhere in the Indian Ocean. I was 19 years old and still somewhat new to the aircraft carrier I was living and working on. I was considered to be a “booter” and an “FNG” (Fucking New Guy). This was my first Western Pacific cruise and the longest I had been away from home in […]

Posted in: Life

A fat guy walks into a paintstore…

October 25, 2009

1

Have you ever had one of those life moments where you find yourself looking around for the Candid Camera crew? Or one that you just know will end with Ashton Kutcher jumping out of the bushes to advise you that you have just been “punked”? One of those moments that you just know there is […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Little Tommy and the Demented Orphan Annie

October 13, 2009

1

Halloween. A predominantly Pagan “Holiday” that has several origins that no one can seem to fully agree on. The one day of the year that both children and adults with a child’s heart can pretend to be someone or something else for a few hours. An escape from school, chores, mortgage’s and economic disasters. The […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

Dema's Italian Bistro – A Review

October 12, 2009

0

Gilbert Arizona. A town sprouted from generations of hard working farmers, small business owners, and it’s very own military base. A town that has recently burst from it’s rural cocoon and emerged fully morphed into a sprawling landscape filled with  stucco homes, soccer mom’s, franchised restaurants, complete with a Walgreens on every corner. A town […]

Posted in: Restaurant Reviews

Where's Richard?

October 11, 2009

5

Anyone who answers 911 calls for a living will tell you  that they, like us, have certain members of their community that are a little… “Off” People who call on a consistent basis, for no legitimate reason. “Frequent Flyers” We call them 918′s. People who, through no fault of their own, were sentenced to a lifetime of mental illness. Doctors […]

Posted in: Life

Super fudge chunk adventure

October 7, 2009

5

Jason. Yes my love. I want ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s, you know, the New York one? Humph. She is capitalizing on the fact that I have no idea what I’m going to do for dinner and this is her way of getting me out of the house to figure it out. No problem princess, […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff

For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

August 11, 2009

2

Fornication Under Consent of the King Forced Unnatural Carnal Knowledge Found Under Carnal Knowledge These are the four most accepted origins for the word F_ _ K It has been brought to my attention that I may be relying a bit too much on the F-word as I sit at my keyboard and weave a […]

Posted in: Funny Stuff
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.